Sine Nomine

Moira in hospital

Free from the IV for a day -- wiggling unencumbered!

cozy Moira

Swaddled and comfortable, with guardian panda watching.

wiggly Anna

We got a day at home with Anna.  Never still for a minute, unless she's sleeping!

Things to be thankful for at the moment:

Moira is doing a lot better.  It's been a rocky road, but it should be a short way to recovery now.  The diagnosis we've ended up with is a kidney infection and milk allergy/sensitivity -- whether the infection triggered the allergy or diarrhea from the allergy triggered the infection is a moot point now.  She's been getting IV antibiotics for the infection and will switch to oral once she's discharged.  She's been on a totally milk-free formula during her entire hospital stay, but she may be able to switch to a formula that isn't quite so specialized, now that we know her malabsorption problem was due to the infection and not some other abnormality.  It still may mean I'd have to go vegan in order to breastfeed her, though.  She's peeing and pooping normally, she's gaining weight really well, she's alert when she's awake and sleeping comfortably.  The main hurdle at this point is to wean her off of the feeding tube.  She's up to one-ounce oral feeds so far.  I think once we're up to two-ounce feeds, we'll be in the clear.  Hopefully she'll be home Monday.

Ken and I have a night without the kids.  It's a mixed blessing.  My mom is spending tonight at the hospital with Moira.  Anna is with Ken's parents.  I miss the girls terribly -- it's weird not having them around -- but I do appreciate the quiet (and the ability to type two-handed, as well as get an uninterrupted night's sleep).  It also means that tomorrow will be just like the Thanksgiving mornings I'm used to pre-parenthood: watching the Macy's parade while chopping apples and walnuts to make apple-cranberry compote.  Not what I was expecting for Thanksgiving this year, but I won't complain.  Tomorrow night Ken and I will get Anna back for the evening while Ken's parents do hospital duty.  The next day, they will keep Anna, and Ken and I will be with Moira for the duration.

Or, ramblings in an insane week.

It's always hard to watch a young child in pain.  It's a thousand times worse when it's your own child, and that child is only five weeks old.

Since last Friday Ken and I have watched helplessly as we've seen our baby tip the scales at a much lower weight than she should, get admitted to the hospital for monitoring, get blood drawn from her tiny little veins, get hooked up to an IV and heart monitor, and get subjected to one test after another: a spinal tap, urine draw via catheter, an ultrasound on her internal organs.  At the end of Day 4 in the hospital, all we know is that there has been some kind of infection, or at least infectious-type reaction (her white blood cell count is really high), which seems to have triggered a milk-protein allergy and difficulty absorbing fat from food.  She's on an artificial, amino acid, milk-free formula, and she's starting to gain a little weight, plus her bowels seem to be in less pain (she doesn't scream and cry when she poops as much as she had been doing).  But there are still a lot more questions than answers.

Ken and I are home for a couple of nights while his parents do the hospital room vigil.  Tomorrow we go back with rested bodies and clearer minds, I hope.  It will probably be several days yet before Moira is discharged.  Meanwhile, I got to see Anna today for the first time since Monday.  She's staying at an aunt's house.  I've missed my other baby girl an awful lot. 

Just a sampling (still figuring out how to use the digital camera Ken got me for my birthday).

Moira and Anna in their customary daytime nap spot: the mat that will eventually be their play gym.

Me with Anna.

Moira in my lap.

The girls let us sleep a bit last night, and they've been very mellow today.  I'm almost afraid of what they have in store for us tonight!

On the subject of just sheer amusement, I sometimes forget I'm not pregnant anymore.  This evening I was getting hungry and absentmindedly put my hand on my stomach, and it felt weird not to have the huge belly!  The past few days I've been uncovering a lot of pregnancy magazines that were given to me at doctor's offices and such -- it's actually very strange to think of that phase being over and done.

But to sum up the past week that we've been home, it's been a mix of overwhelming joy and overwhelming exhaustion.  The days are all kind of a blur now.  I hardly remember the first sleepless night; I just remember asking Ken's aunt to pick up some formula for us since we were running out of the freebies from the hospital (having trouble with milk production -- another story), and then we invited her to stay as long as she wanted because she loves babies and we needed sleep!  I do remember the night the toilet got backed up, so Ken dealt with that while I juggled babies.  Anna had a hard time settling down in the crib, so she often ended up sleeping with us.  We spent two nights in our mini TV room, me on the couch and Ken on the floor, just for the sake of being at arm's reach of the girls.  We got more sleep that way, just not particularly comfortable (for Ken)!  There was the beautiful afternoon that we had just for the four of us, Ken and I watching a movie and the girls mostly sleeping -- that was the first moment I really felt like we're a family.

And every now and then I break down thinking about how uncertain this scenario was just a year ago.  What a journey and a struggle it's been to bring these two beautiful little miracles into our lives. 

It's also strange to realize that as crazy as the journey has been so far, it's really only the prologue.  Welcome, parenthood.

I've been composing this for days, but I finally have a few moments to type two-handed.  I guess what I'll end up writing here is snippets of the last nine days when my life changed forever.

Morning of the 10th.  I suppose I should consider myself lucky that my water broke while I was sitting on the toilet during what I thought was just another frequent trip to the bathroom.  Very strange feeling: I actually felt little Anna's head slip down in my pelvis.  That was, what?  6-6:30 AM I think.  Called the doctor.  Luckily I had already done all the registration work at the hospital the day before since the c-section was to be the next week.  By 7:30 we were in the car, and I could finally time my contractions -- sort of -- watching the time on my phone: 3 within a five-minute period.  This was going really, really fast.  The hospital is only ten minutes from home, less than that on a Saturday morning.  I could barely walk myself to the front door.  I was shaking, and once I got inside there were people to wheel me around everywhere.  By 8:00 I was being prepped for surgery.  IV.  Medicine to settle my stomach since I had been vomiting.  (I promptly threw up the medicine.  I'd had eight months of throwing up: why stop now?  And yes, I predicted this months ago!)  Wheeled into the OR while Ken got scrubbed up.  Epidural.  Everything was seriously happening really fast. 

So at least I got to experience a bit of what labor is like.  I know I was yelling and moaning a lot.  Trying to keep with the breathing.  I can say that I was glad to get the epidural when I did -- I had had enough of labor pains already!  I'm still curious if I could have lasted longer with non-medical pain relief techniques, but there just wasn't time or opportunity to try.  The c-section was already planned.  I don't know: things were proceding so quickly that there might have been some rupture-type risks anyway, had I tried to give birth vaginally.  At that point I felt so helpless, I didn't even care.  Just having the babies suddenly became a lot more important than how they came out.

OR.  Screen went up.  Oxygen mask on my face.  Feeling a lot more relaxed.  Everything from my chest down was numb.  I could feel pressure on my abdomen as they maneuvered Anna out.  A little yelp.  I'll never forget that.  Then one minute later, a full-throated hearty cry as Moira emerged.  After that, apparently I blanked out and started vomiting again.  They tried to show me the babies; Ken says I told them I'd see them later.  So Ken followed the girls to the nursery while I got sewn up.  He got to see them bathed and measured.  He got to hold them and have that moment of recognition when they heard his voice.  I'm glad one of us got to experience that.

I vaguely remember getting wheeled to our post-partum room.  It was around noon that they finally brought the babies in.  First awkward attempts at feeding.  Beautiful, healthy little girls.

So the next few days were about getting me back on my feet (literally), learning to nurse (which is still very much a work in progress), and getting used to frequent wakings (also a work in progress).  Although I'm happy to say we've successfully done the double breast feed a few times!  We went home last Tuesday, with all the grandparents at the house to greet us.  Just putting babies in car seats for the first time was its own little adventure.  Moira screamed most of the trip home.

And now it's getting used to life at home... 

The verdict is... c-section.  Evidently the placenta is still low enough that the doctors don't want to take the chance of tearing and bleeding.  It's been low-lying from the get-go, so it's not a total surprise, but it looked like it was clearing out of the way just in time.  Definitely disappointed.  I will get over it, but right now still disappointed.  Of course, all the important things are still fine -- the babies are still healthy, I'm healthy and won't have to hobble around much longer.  And of course there's the fact that this miracle is happening at all, which was still very dubious nine months ago, and that's a whole subject on its own.

First, til maternity leave.  One more week.  And none too soon.  Getting through a work day is tiring enough already.  Since the school year started back up, I've dealt with a few weird blood sugar issues, muscle cramps, and swollen feet.  Now I'm dealing with a strained groin.  My mom was up here for the afternoon yesterday, we were working on clearing out our now former office, I got down to and up off the floor too many times, and now I'm really hurting.  As in, I can barely walk.  Somehow I'm still going to go to work this week, even if I have to get someone else to park my car for me!  Because I really need to get my substitute trained, and time is running out.

Fortunately, that's about it for the Aches and Pains category.  Except to say that I don't care how much I'm hurting: puking everyday was worse.  And I'm happy to say I haven't thrown up in over a month!  I'm not even taking the anti-nausea meds everyday.  Just every now and then when I feel a little queasy.  As for other news:

Endless Entertainment

I still don't get tired of watching the kids wiggle around in my belly.  It's pretty hilarious sometimes.  I don't even know how they have room to move at this point, but they do it quite frequently.  It's fun poking at their feet or knees or whatever it is that protrudes from time to time.  Except when they get particularly active when I'm trying to go to sleep.

Closets of Clothes

Not that I'm complaining.  If it means we only have to do laundry every other week, fine by me!  Really, they have tons of clothes.  Probably more than I have.  They might only get to wear everything once or twice, which is kind of a shame since there's some really cute outfits.  Unless they spit up or otherwise mess up their clothes often, which is a possibility.  I'd certainly rather have too much clothing than too little.

Medieval Moccasins

They rock.  They're the only shoes I can still wear.  Comfortable.  Snug enough to stay on my feet, but with enough give and stretch that they still accommodate even when my feet look like footballs.  I can lace them up with a foot crossed on top of my knee with little difficulty.

Cooperative Kids

I'm tempting fate by speaking too soon on this, but the last ultrasound was about as good as it could be.  My placenta (or at least one of the two) has been low for the entire pregnancy so far, but it finally rose out of the low range.  The first baby is securely ensconced with her head in my pelvis (and right on top of my bladder... hello, bathroom trips), ready to come out whenever.  Her sister has been flipping around over and over for the past few months, but she's head down now, and hopefully it's too late for her to flip over again.  As far as the sonogram measurements can tell, they're about 5 1/2 pounds each -- good size.

Odd Autumn

It's really weird having neither Revels nor Ren Faire going on in my life, for the first time in... ten years, I think.  I'm pretty well too preoccupied to think about it, but it definitely doesn't feel like fall exactly.  I'm in that weird space of missing my usual activities, but without having time or energy to miss them.  I notice the absence, even though life is extremely full. 

So with one month to go (exactly one month, if they were to come on schedule), that's the state of things.

I just read this for a class I'm taking on disabilities and assistive technology.  I had to share this.  Many issues come up, political, philosophical, and personal. 

www.racematters.org/harrietmcbrydejohnson.htm

I am now trying to kill a sinus infection.  It's a low-grade fever (hovering around 100 most of today, starting to go down now), but any fever at all is not a good thing.  So this is my third illness in 60 days -- first the UTI back in March, the cold earlier this month (which thankfully was short-lived), and now this.  That's more than I get in a typical year.  Bleh!  They're not kidding when they say your immune system goes down during pregnancy.